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Lydia: I'm Too Difficult
"You said that if I have any ideas in my heart, I should tell you directly," Lydia couldn't quite withstand Chi Kana's gaze, but she was still very honest, "I do think you are quite heartless. Although you have Group matters to attend to, you are never there when he needs a Mother."
Chi Kana felt even more heartbroken, but she still nodded in agreement.
Her Third Brother once comforted her with a smile, "Sadness is because of love, and the meaning of Family's existence is to allow Child to have the ability to love."
When Chi Feichei was born, she presumptuously made plans:
0-1.5 years old is the stage for people to build trust and a Sense of security.
1.5-3 years old is the stage for establishing rules, confirming Self, and learning self-control.
3-5 years old is when the concept of Gender appears, clarifying one's Gender Role.
She would stay with Child until he was 5 years old, and if Child's Eyes had no problems, she would leave.
She thought she could dilute Child's Emotion towards her. Even if he hated her, it would be better than the Feeling of 'love incorrectly, unable to hate' she had for her Mother back then.
Once, she also thought she had succeeded.
Initially, that Little Boy would still get angry because she didn't go Home, but when he Saw her, his Eyes would brighten up in a Moment, as bright as Purple stars.
Afterwards, that Little Boy slowly grew up, and until now, that kind of radiance has never appeared in those Eyes again.
Her Child no longer smiled, no longer talked to other children, and when he Saw someone being bullied, he would also walk away with an Indifference expression, as if living in his own World.
Her Child was not willful or mischievous, and even stopped acting spoiled, being sensible to an unnatural degree for a Child.
When she was in a Foreign Land, she could only fall asleep from exhaustion to avoid thinking about the little things about Child night after night, feeling so Uncomfortable that she wanted to rush back Home several times.
Previously, she still thought her persistence was useful, thinking that Child's Indifference didn't matter, and it didn't matter if he no longer relied on her or cared about her. If his heart was as cold and hard as a Rock, perhaps he wouldn't have the Feeling of 'love incorrectly, unable to hate' for his Mother like she did back then.
But those 'she thought' were really just 'she thought'. This time when she came back, she realized that Child's love would not be worn away because of this. She had also brought the same pain to her own Child, and even deeper despair.
She should have understood long ago that Child had been hiding his Emotions better than other children since he was little, but she selfishly hoped that her Child could grow up to be a self-disciplined, strong, and Gentleness person. After Child had Feeling warmth, she abandoned him again, leaving her Child to miss her without anyone understanding, achievements without anyone witnessing, and Worries with nowhere to confide.
Her Mother at least gave them Companionship and comfort, but she didn't even give these to her own Child.
Compared to her Mother, she was even worse, terribly worse.
In the past two Days, she would always repeatedly have the same Dream at Night:
Initially, that soft little Tuanzi, slowly turned into a Little Boy with a Gentleness smile on his Face. Gradually, the smile on that Face disappeared, the Little Boy walked away with an Indifference Face, then slowly turned into a big Boy much taller than her, coldly watching everything. But in the end, when she was lost, he gently hugged her. That hug was Just Like that Day, needing no words, yet making her nose tingle and feeling satisfied...
Every time she woke up, she only felt pain to the bone!
And the experiment in the book had a Follow-up. When those Small Monkey grew up and returned to the Monkey Group, they were Indifference, solitary, and unsociable. Even when in heat, they would not look for a Companion or even reject Companions. Even after having children through artificial insemination, they would cruelly bite their own children to death.
If among that Monkey Group, there was a Small Monkey that suddenly became Normal after being solitary and eccentric, and was slowly integrating into the Group, and was still a Small Monkey who was smart and patient since childhood, then, did that Small Monkey figure it out? Or did it undergo a more terrifying Transformation?
No matter what the Reason was, she felt Uncomfortable and couldn't bear to say a single word of criticism about Child.
And under this Bloodline, there is no clear Ending in the Future. She hoped her Child would do what he wanted to do.
Even if depravity might bring destruction, it's better than regretting not having tried depravity after destruction.
Lydia saw that Chi Kana was silent, and followed suit with Silence, her Gaze gradually becoming Gentleness.
At 24 years old, she lost her own Child and divorced her Husband. She was depressed for more than a year before recovering. For a living, she went to work as a Servant at the Field Family, and then she Saw a beautiful and Gentleness angel.
A twelve or thirteen-year-old Girl, with delicate features, a pair of Gentleness Eyes, and a smile that could touch people's hearts.
She would occasionally think of her own Child who died not long after birth, feeling sad alone. Once, she was Saw by the Girl.
The Girl carefully asked her softly:
'Lydia, are you sad? Then I'll give you a Holiday, go out to play all Day Tomorrow, come back and have a good sleep when you're tired, and you'll Feel better. If you want me to Keep Company with you, then I'm willing to go with you.'
She didn't remarry, didn't have children, watched that Girl grow up, get married, and have children, going from calling her 'Miss' to 'Madam', and then there was another 'Young Master' she could call.
That Girl was not carefree.
Before she went, the Field Family had replaced all the Servants. There were some Rumor about Witch Bloodline, but no one could explain it clearly.
She was someone who knew about it but didn't want to talk about it. It was the Girl who told her, and then she understood why the angel-like Girl would sometimes stare blankly and suffer from Insomnia night after night, why the little angel would occasionally turn into a little Demon, secretly staring at some people who were talking loudly in the Dark Place, her Eyes filled with Coldness...
That was a heavy and depressing Secret. She didn't want that heaviness to always weigh on her angel's heart, and even more, she didn't want that heaviness to be passed down from generation to generation.
After a Moment of Silence, Lydia took the initiative to speak, "Are you thinking so much tonight because of the Matter Young Master Kaito mentioned this Afternoon?"
This Afternoon, when talking about that Little Girl named 'Haibara Ai', Young Master Kaito suddenly proposed that Madam be that Child's Godmother. Young Master Hissashi also said that that Child's Parents had passed away, expressing his agreement, but Madam did not immediately agree, only saying that she would Consider it carefully.
Chi Kana nodded.
If she had another Child, how should she treat that Child?
That Little Girl has no Parents. If she became that Child's Godmother but didn't take care of or care about her, wouldn't she be Damage that Child again?
And if she was good to that Child, she would feel sorry for her own sensible Son who made her feel guilty. The better she was to other children, the more she would think that she had not been this good to her Son, and she would feel even more indebted to Chi Feichei.
So she hesitated.
"Young Master Hissashi is a very thoughtful person, he won't make decisions rashly. Young Master Kaito is not someone who would interfere with other people's Ideas randomly either," Lydia comforted softly, "Presumably they both think it's appropriate, so they brought it up. And they didn't force you to make a Choice, it's just a Proposal, you don't have to think too much, you can get to know her first, what do you say?"
Chi Kana listened to Lydia's Analysis, thought for a while, and asked, "Was I being narrow-minded Just Now?"
"Yes." Lydia nodded.
Chi Kana: "..."
"You're just overthinking it," Lydia stood up and said with a smile, "Let the past be the past. If you are happier, Young Master Hissashi will be happier, won't he? You should Rest earlier, staying up late makes you age easily."
"Hey, Lydia," Chi Kana suddenly stood up, leaned closer to Lydia, her Eyes full of seriousness, "Do you think I'm old? Hassashi reminded me tonight, saying that I'm already in my forties."
"No, I think he was joking." Lydia had black lines all over her face.
"Lydia," Chi Kana said slowly, "I hope you are honest and straightforward with me."
"Okay..." Lydia said truthfully, "I think Young Master Hissashi is right, you are indeed in your forties."
Chi Kana's Gaze at Lydia instantly became sad.
Lydia's mouth twitched slightly, and she said seriously and sincerely, "But you don't look like someone in their forties at all, that's also the truth."
Every time she asks her to be honest, and after she honestly says it, she looks at her with that kind of Gaze, she is too difficult.
"Really..." Chi Kana turned her Head to Look at herself in the Mirror, nodded in satisfaction, "Good Night."
"Good Night." Lydia turned around and left the Room, closing the Room Door behind her.
...
The next Day.
Chi Feichei got up early, took Hassashi and went Go Out for Morning Exercise.
When he returned Home, Lydia had just brought Emma to the Kitchen to prepare Breakfast.
"Young Master Hissashi, you got up so early, I didn't even know you went ou..." Lydia went out to greet him from the Kitchen, and with a Glance, she Saw Hassashi in Chi Feichei's hand covered in Soil and grass clippings, "...went out..."
"Went for Morning Exercise," Chi Feichei carried Hassashi, who was exhausted like a dead Snake, into the Restroom, "It's in a good Mood today, rolled around on the Grass for a long time, I'll help it wash up."
Hassashi lazily flicked its Snake Tongue. It saw that Master's Mood had cleared up today and was a little excited.
Tired to the point of not wanting to talk.
Lydia snapped back to reality, "Okay, then do you need me to prepare your Breakfast? Madam will probably sleep until nine o'clock."
"Thank you for your trouble." Chi Feichei stood in front of the Sink, turned on the Water Tap, and suddenly Realized a Matter, "No baked tomatoes, no grilled sausages, no mushrooms, no cured meat, no scones, no baked beans, no beans of any kind."
Lydia Feeling Chi Feichei's strong dislike for English Breakfast, silently excluded a bunch of Food she was used to making, "Then French toast, fried eggs, mashed potatoes, Milk... Do you need meat?"
"Beef will do."
Chi Feichei washed Hassashi clean, found a Towel to help Hassashi dry the Water on its body.
If it wasn't for having Matters to do, he would rather cook Purple Sweet Potato Porridge himself...
After Chi Feichei came out of the Restroom, Lydia peeked out from the Kitchen again, "I Don't Know if it's convenient for you to tell me, what were you thinking Yesterday when you agreed with Madam to be that Girl's Godmother?"
Uh-huh, she had to help Madam Knowledge the Situation, and then Communication and coordinate.
"Kaito's Proposal is very good." Chi Feichei Go To the Living Room.
He supported it because he thought it was a good Proposal, no Problem with that.
Lydia asked again, "Then have you thought about what to do Afterwards? I mean that Girl, will she stay in Japan or go to Britain with Madam? Or..."
"After Matters are decided, we can Communication, and see both sides' Intention. It's too early to think about those things Present," Chi Feichei sat down on the Sofa, turned his Head to Look at Lydia, "I haven't told Ai about this Matter yet. She has concerns and may not agree. I just thought the Proposal was good, so I agreed."
Lydia was a little speechless. It seemed that Madam was really overthinking it. Men's thought processes are not that complicated...
"Is my Mother overthinking again? If she could handle her own Matters as efficiently as she handles Work, that would be great." Chi Feichei took out his Mobile Phone and made a Phone Call, sighing softly, "Tsk... Woman."
Lydia: "..."
What's wrong with Woman being sentimental?
Young Master Hissashi sounded like he was sighing about 'Woman are Troublesome'.
Before Lydia could ask further, Chi Feichei was already on the Phone Call with Mr. Oyama, "Mr. Oyama, good morning... I'm at Home, please Trouble you to help prepare a Machine Room, Computer, Switch, Server, Workstation... In short, everything is needed... very urgent, preferably resolved before 3 pm this Afternoon, you can directly buy a ready-made Machine Room... Okay, I'll wait for your News."
Lydia turned around and went back to the Kitchen.
Sigh, Men!
Once they grow up, they are not like a warm quilted jacket at all.
She suddenly thought it would be nice if Madam could have a Daughter.
(End of Chapter)
"You said that if I have any ideas in my heart, I should tell you directly," Lydia couldn't quite withstand Chi Kana's gaze, but she was still very honest, "I do think you are quite heartless. Although you have Group matters to attend to, you are never there when he needs a Mother."
Chi Kana felt even more heartbroken, but she still nodded in agreement.
Her Third Brother once comforted her with a smile, "Sadness is because of love, and the meaning of Family's existence is to allow Child to have the ability to love."
When Chi Feichei was born, she presumptuously made plans:
0-1.5 years old is the stage for people to build trust and a Sense of security.
1.5-3 years old is the stage for establishing rules, confirming Self, and learning self-control.
3-5 years old is when the concept of Gender appears, clarifying one's Gender Role.
She would stay with Child until he was 5 years old, and if Child's Eyes had no problems, she would leave.
She thought she could dilute Child's Emotion towards her. Even if he hated her, it would be better than the Feeling of 'love incorrectly, unable to hate' she had for her Mother back then.
Once, she also thought she had succeeded.
Initially, that Little Boy would still get angry because she didn't go Home, but when he Saw her, his Eyes would brighten up in a Moment, as bright as Purple stars.
Afterwards, that Little Boy slowly grew up, and until now, that kind of radiance has never appeared in those Eyes again.
Her Child no longer smiled, no longer talked to other children, and when he Saw someone being bullied, he would also walk away with an Indifference expression, as if living in his own World.
Her Child was not willful or mischievous, and even stopped acting spoiled, being sensible to an unnatural degree for a Child.
When she was in a Foreign Land, she could only fall asleep from exhaustion to avoid thinking about the little things about Child night after night, feeling so Uncomfortable that she wanted to rush back Home several times.
Previously, she still thought her persistence was useful, thinking that Child's Indifference didn't matter, and it didn't matter if he no longer relied on her or cared about her. If his heart was as cold and hard as a Rock, perhaps he wouldn't have the Feeling of 'love incorrectly, unable to hate' for his Mother like she did back then.
But those 'she thought' were really just 'she thought'. This time when she came back, she realized that Child's love would not be worn away because of this. She had also brought the same pain to her own Child, and even deeper despair.
She should have understood long ago that Child had been hiding his Emotions better than other children since he was little, but she selfishly hoped that her Child could grow up to be a self-disciplined, strong, and Gentleness person. After Child had Feeling warmth, she abandoned him again, leaving her Child to miss her without anyone understanding, achievements without anyone witnessing, and Worries with nowhere to confide.
Her Mother at least gave them Companionship and comfort, but she didn't even give these to her own Child.
Compared to her Mother, she was even worse, terribly worse.
In the past two Days, she would always repeatedly have the same Dream at Night:
Initially, that soft little Tuanzi, slowly turned into a Little Boy with a Gentleness smile on his Face. Gradually, the smile on that Face disappeared, the Little Boy walked away with an Indifference Face, then slowly turned into a big Boy much taller than her, coldly watching everything. But in the end, when she was lost, he gently hugged her. That hug was Just Like that Day, needing no words, yet making her nose tingle and feeling satisfied...
Every time she woke up, she only felt pain to the bone!
And the experiment in the book had a Follow-up. When those Small Monkey grew up and returned to the Monkey Group, they were Indifference, solitary, and unsociable. Even when in heat, they would not look for a Companion or even reject Companions. Even after having children through artificial insemination, they would cruelly bite their own children to death.
If among that Monkey Group, there was a Small Monkey that suddenly became Normal after being solitary and eccentric, and was slowly integrating into the Group, and was still a Small Monkey who was smart and patient since childhood, then, did that Small Monkey figure it out? Or did it undergo a more terrifying Transformation?
No matter what the Reason was, she felt Uncomfortable and couldn't bear to say a single word of criticism about Child.
And under this Bloodline, there is no clear Ending in the Future. She hoped her Child would do what he wanted to do.
Even if depravity might bring destruction, it's better than regretting not having tried depravity after destruction.
Lydia saw that Chi Kana was silent, and followed suit with Silence, her Gaze gradually becoming Gentleness.
At 24 years old, she lost her own Child and divorced her Husband. She was depressed for more than a year before recovering. For a living, she went to work as a Servant at the Field Family, and then she Saw a beautiful and Gentleness angel.
A twelve or thirteen-year-old Girl, with delicate features, a pair of Gentleness Eyes, and a smile that could touch people's hearts.
She would occasionally think of her own Child who died not long after birth, feeling sad alone. Once, she was Saw by the Girl.
The Girl carefully asked her softly:
'Lydia, are you sad? Then I'll give you a Holiday, go out to play all Day Tomorrow, come back and have a good sleep when you're tired, and you'll Feel better. If you want me to Keep Company with you, then I'm willing to go with you.'
She didn't remarry, didn't have children, watched that Girl grow up, get married, and have children, going from calling her 'Miss' to 'Madam', and then there was another 'Young Master' she could call.
That Girl was not carefree.
Before she went, the Field Family had replaced all the Servants. There were some Rumor about Witch Bloodline, but no one could explain it clearly.
She was someone who knew about it but didn't want to talk about it. It was the Girl who told her, and then she understood why the angel-like Girl would sometimes stare blankly and suffer from Insomnia night after night, why the little angel would occasionally turn into a little Demon, secretly staring at some people who were talking loudly in the Dark Place, her Eyes filled with Coldness...
That was a heavy and depressing Secret. She didn't want that heaviness to always weigh on her angel's heart, and even more, she didn't want that heaviness to be passed down from generation to generation.
After a Moment of Silence, Lydia took the initiative to speak, "Are you thinking so much tonight because of the Matter Young Master Kaito mentioned this Afternoon?"
This Afternoon, when talking about that Little Girl named 'Haibara Ai', Young Master Kaito suddenly proposed that Madam be that Child's Godmother. Young Master Hissashi also said that that Child's Parents had passed away, expressing his agreement, but Madam did not immediately agree, only saying that she would Consider it carefully.
Chi Kana nodded.
If she had another Child, how should she treat that Child?
That Little Girl has no Parents. If she became that Child's Godmother but didn't take care of or care about her, wouldn't she be Damage that Child again?
And if she was good to that Child, she would feel sorry for her own sensible Son who made her feel guilty. The better she was to other children, the more she would think that she had not been this good to her Son, and she would feel even more indebted to Chi Feichei.
So she hesitated.
"Young Master Hissashi is a very thoughtful person, he won't make decisions rashly. Young Master Kaito is not someone who would interfere with other people's Ideas randomly either," Lydia comforted softly, "Presumably they both think it's appropriate, so they brought it up. And they didn't force you to make a Choice, it's just a Proposal, you don't have to think too much, you can get to know her first, what do you say?"
Chi Kana listened to Lydia's Analysis, thought for a while, and asked, "Was I being narrow-minded Just Now?"
"Yes." Lydia nodded.
Chi Kana: "..."
"You're just overthinking it," Lydia stood up and said with a smile, "Let the past be the past. If you are happier, Young Master Hissashi will be happier, won't he? You should Rest earlier, staying up late makes you age easily."
"Hey, Lydia," Chi Kana suddenly stood up, leaned closer to Lydia, her Eyes full of seriousness, "Do you think I'm old? Hassashi reminded me tonight, saying that I'm already in my forties."
"No, I think he was joking." Lydia had black lines all over her face.
"Lydia," Chi Kana said slowly, "I hope you are honest and straightforward with me."
"Okay..." Lydia said truthfully, "I think Young Master Hissashi is right, you are indeed in your forties."
Chi Kana's Gaze at Lydia instantly became sad.
Lydia's mouth twitched slightly, and she said seriously and sincerely, "But you don't look like someone in their forties at all, that's also the truth."
Every time she asks her to be honest, and after she honestly says it, she looks at her with that kind of Gaze, she is too difficult.
"Really..." Chi Kana turned her Head to Look at herself in the Mirror, nodded in satisfaction, "Good Night."
"Good Night." Lydia turned around and left the Room, closing the Room Door behind her.
...
The next Day.
Chi Feichei got up early, took Hassashi and went Go Out for Morning Exercise.
When he returned Home, Lydia had just brought Emma to the Kitchen to prepare Breakfast.
"Young Master Hissashi, you got up so early, I didn't even know you went ou..." Lydia went out to greet him from the Kitchen, and with a Glance, she Saw Hassashi in Chi Feichei's hand covered in Soil and grass clippings, "...went out..."
"Went for Morning Exercise," Chi Feichei carried Hassashi, who was exhausted like a dead Snake, into the Restroom, "It's in a good Mood today, rolled around on the Grass for a long time, I'll help it wash up."
Hassashi lazily flicked its Snake Tongue. It saw that Master's Mood had cleared up today and was a little excited.
Tired to the point of not wanting to talk.
Lydia snapped back to reality, "Okay, then do you need me to prepare your Breakfast? Madam will probably sleep until nine o'clock."
"Thank you for your trouble." Chi Feichei stood in front of the Sink, turned on the Water Tap, and suddenly Realized a Matter, "No baked tomatoes, no grilled sausages, no mushrooms, no cured meat, no scones, no baked beans, no beans of any kind."
Lydia Feeling Chi Feichei's strong dislike for English Breakfast, silently excluded a bunch of Food she was used to making, "Then French toast, fried eggs, mashed potatoes, Milk... Do you need meat?"
"Beef will do."
Chi Feichei washed Hassashi clean, found a Towel to help Hassashi dry the Water on its body.
If it wasn't for having Matters to do, he would rather cook Purple Sweet Potato Porridge himself...
After Chi Feichei came out of the Restroom, Lydia peeked out from the Kitchen again, "I Don't Know if it's convenient for you to tell me, what were you thinking Yesterday when you agreed with Madam to be that Girl's Godmother?"
Uh-huh, she had to help Madam Knowledge the Situation, and then Communication and coordinate.
"Kaito's Proposal is very good." Chi Feichei Go To the Living Room.
He supported it because he thought it was a good Proposal, no Problem with that.
Lydia asked again, "Then have you thought about what to do Afterwards? I mean that Girl, will she stay in Japan or go to Britain with Madam? Or..."
"After Matters are decided, we can Communication, and see both sides' Intention. It's too early to think about those things Present," Chi Feichei sat down on the Sofa, turned his Head to Look at Lydia, "I haven't told Ai about this Matter yet. She has concerns and may not agree. I just thought the Proposal was good, so I agreed."
Lydia was a little speechless. It seemed that Madam was really overthinking it. Men's thought processes are not that complicated...
"Is my Mother overthinking again? If she could handle her own Matters as efficiently as she handles Work, that would be great." Chi Feichei took out his Mobile Phone and made a Phone Call, sighing softly, "Tsk... Woman."
Lydia: "..."
What's wrong with Woman being sentimental?
Young Master Hissashi sounded like he was sighing about 'Woman are Troublesome'.
Before Lydia could ask further, Chi Feichei was already on the Phone Call with Mr. Oyama, "Mr. Oyama, good morning... I'm at Home, please Trouble you to help prepare a Machine Room, Computer, Switch, Server, Workstation... In short, everything is needed... very urgent, preferably resolved before 3 pm this Afternoon, you can directly buy a ready-made Machine Room... Okay, I'll wait for your News."
Lydia turned around and went back to the Kitchen.
Sigh, Men!
Once they grow up, they are not like a warm quilted jacket at all.
She suddenly thought it would be nice if Madam could have a Daughter.
(End of Chapter)
